25.

Turning 25 and immediately wanting to kill yourself is quite a sobering thought.

I don’t know how else to make this feel better except to focus on the good things that I have accomplished so far, so that’s what I’m going to be making a list on. Then, I’ll share 25 lessons I’ve learnt in honour of my 25 years of living, and see if it’s still wise to kill myself.

A List of Accomplishments

• Graduated with a degree in Psychology like I’ve always wanted to
• Did Literature all through university, satisfying the inner cultural nerd in me
• Overcame my crippling fear of public speaking and am a fine orator now, in fact it’s one of those strengths I put in my resume and my employers are excited about
• Overcame my social anxiety, recognising that it will not get better and I cannot let it rule over my life – in the words of my TA who offered to drive to my place to meet me and shared of her own battle with social anxiety to encourage me that it does get better, but I have to let it and challenge it
• Overcame depression and wanting to kill myself once in 2009-2010, another time in 2011-2012, another time in 2014, and another time in 2017, and another time in 2018. 2019 has been good to me in this aspect. I don’t feel like dying at all. I may be tempted, sure, but I know, logically, that life is more than this, and life is worth living, which is why I’m making lists to remind myself of this and overcoming my emotions.
• Landed my first job out of university and made two major changes to the company’s running system, increasing productivity of the teachers and proving to myself that I am a problem-solver, and analyst, and an innovator
• Strengthened my communication skills so that I can now hold conversations with people from all walks of life, as long as I’m well-rested and sufficiently invested
• Learning to speak up and share my opinions with people in places of authority in a polite yet convincing manner
• Learning to separate my work from my life, for better mental health and work life balance
• Learning that I would rather be an optimist than a pessimist, and enjoy focusing more on the good things that simply bitching about the negatives
• Made good friends who know me as I am now – R, V, R, C, M and as I am in the past – B, C, J
• Learning to rely on a support group of people
• Growing in self-branding
• Learning to build self-confidence

I am a work in progress, and I’m not done yet. I still have so much more of life to learn – I might not be feeling excited about it now, but I see the value and the worth of living. Maybe I am just tired, and this too shall pass. I will learn and grow, move with the currents and keep threading water. Better times will come, and I will have lived to live them too. ❤️

A List of Lessons Learnt

1. Things will get better. They always do.
2. “We must accept finite disappointment but must never lose infinite hope.” Martin Luther King, Jr.
3. It’s not about doing exactly the things that you want to do. Sometimes, it’s about trying new things so that you know that those are things you don’t want to do.
4. Always be grateful.
5. Exercise really is good for health, but getting yourself to do it is another challenge that seems insurmountable. (See the next lesson.)
6. Take tiny steps. Every tiny step counts.
7. Perfection is a myth. Bust it.
8. Learn to add “yet” to failures. You haven’t succeeded, yet. You will if you want to.
9. If you don’t succeed, don’t take your eyes off your goal. Take your eyes off your path. Is there another path you can take to reach that goal?
10. Keep your eyes on your mountain top and remind yourself why you want to get there. It is important to have something you value drive your life.
11. You cannot control emotions. You can manage your reaction to them. Sometimes you let go of them. Sometimes you work with them. Whatever it is, you are in control of how you react to them. Don’t be afraid of them. Acknowledge them and give them voice. (Thank you, Dr. Linda in Lucifer.)
12. Don’t be afraid to change your mind. It is not a sign of weakness.
13. Family might be messy. Family is still family. (Unless they’re putting you in danger, then please take care of yourself.)
14. Ask for help. You do not have to do everything yourself. People are there for you. Ask until you receive the help you need. The world is a helpful place, contrary to popular opinion.
15. Believing the best in people brings out the best in them.
16. Be comfortable with yourself. You do not have to be a role-model or the perfect person. Accept yourself and allow yourself the space to grow. Think of yourself as a sunflower. Chase light.
17. Be gentle with your words. They can hurt a lot more than you expect them to.
18. It’s better to be gentle than harsh.
19. Smile at strangers.
20. Don’t drink until you’re black out drunk. Sober up between drinks. Reach home knowing that you’ve locked your doors, bathed, tucked yourself in and had a hell of a night.
21. There is always time. Calm down. Breathe. Take a breath. And another. And another. Keep breathing like that.
22. Take perspective. Will this matter five years from now? Probably not.
23. The proper balance between doing and planning is 70:30. Don’t plan too much. Jump into it. Do, and plan, and do, and plan. Don’t fall into the trap of planning and never getting around to doing.
24. Take time to enjoy. If this means taking 3 hour naps, reading trashy novels, grabbing a spontaneous cup of coffee – do it. Do it, and celebrate it, consciously.
25. Make celebration conscious. Celebrate and let yourself be excited at everything that makes you happy.

Writing this post has made me feel better. A little shaky, yes. But better. I know I have these lists to refer to should life get a bit too much for me. I think now, I’m going to seek what makes me happy and do what makes me happy. I’m coming into 25. I’ve lived 25 years x 365 days successfully. That in itself deserves to be celebrated. I am going to seek the so much more. I am going to seek to be happy, one tiny step at a time.